Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Brain Cancer...
Afew months after i was born my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer. Three years ago his cancer returned and since he has had three surgeries. My dad is no longer able to work, and hes on short term diability. But about 2 days ago he has went to get an MRI and it his cancer was widely spred and have no answers for us. They have given him 2 months 3 at the most to live. I am terified of whats going to be ahead of me and my family. And greatly would appriciate some words of wisdom.
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3 comments:
Hi there. I noticed that you stopped by and commented on my post about my mother's battle with cancer. I wish I had some hugely impactful words of wisdom to offer, but it's still difficult. I will offer what advice I can, both emotional and practical.
I'll do the practical first, because it's what I'm dealing with the most, currently. I don't know how old you are, but you sound on the younger side of things. If your father is still remotely mentally capable, make sure that he and your mother go over all the finances, arrangements, legal issues, and all that boring, pain in the butt stuff. Figure out what bills come due when, what stuff is in your father's name that may need to be changed or people notified, any life insurance details, all that kind of stuff. It may sound cold and heartless, but when the inevitable happens, whether it's in 3 months, 3 years, or 3 decades, you're going to be dealing with so much grief and other emotional stuff that the day to day things like paying bills tend to get forgotten. If you have all of that stuff ready to go, it will ultimately be a lot easier on you and will give you a much better opportunity to spend time with your father during his last days, mourn when he passes away, comfort your mother, deal with other family members.
From an emotional perspective, I wasn't nearly as prepared as I should've been for my mother's passing. She'd had the surgery once before and came through it just fine. As the doctor, my father, my sister and I compare notes, we've determined that she was a lot sicker than she let on at the end. I wish I would've had more time to contemplate her dying, spend more time with her, etc. That's the best thing I can tell you. Spend time with your dad. I don't know what (if any) his physical or mental limitations may be, but spend time with him. Talk with him, or to him if he can't talk back. Read to him. Find old pictures of him and his family (and your mother's) and ask him to explain who everybody is. Not only is that practical, but it may help distract him from his pain by remembering good times and good people from his past.
Finally, when it does happen, go ahead and cry. Scream. Bang your fists on the wall. Nobody's going to look down on you or give you crap for it. Cancer sucks and it kills people. There is no shame in being sad. But always look back on the positive things that you and your dad did in the past. You may be sad that you can't do those things with him anymore, but you should have some great memories of the things that you did, and that kind of thing has helped ease my pain. I have no idea if this helps, but I hope it does. Good luck. My prayers and good thoughts are with you.
-Hoff
My brother posted some good advice. As frightening as it is right now and as many other things as you would rather be doing, making sure those financial decisions are taken care of is very important right now. Thankfully our parents had made all of those arrangements previously so everything was taken care of before our mother died.
Another thing my brother mentioned were family photos. Look through these with your dad. If possible, identify the people in the photos. Not only will it bring back good memories and give you all something else to think about, it will also help with photos where you might not have known the subjects. My dad and I spent this past weekend going through photos and throwing out many from my mother's side of the family because we simply don't know who any of the people are, and now there is no one to ask.
Spend as much time with your dad as you can. Be sure he knows that you appreciate how much he's done for you and how much you love him. Although I got to talk to my mom before her surgery, I didn't say some of the things that I would have if I had known her time was so short.
Also, talk to your other family members and friends. They can help support you. And remember, there are a lot of us out here praying for you and your family.
Prayers from me and my family to you and yours my friend.
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